So yeah, long‑time lurker, first‑time ranter. Buckle up, friends—this is going to be part vent, part cautionary tale, part “I guess I live on microwave burritos now.”
The Setup
- Goal: yank out my early‑2000s faux‑Tuscan kitchen, slap in shaker cabs + quartz, call it a day.
- Budget: $20 k (lol)
- Timeline quoted: 4 weeks. Sure, Jan.
- Contractor: “Elite Home Makeovers” (their Yelp photos looked fire; their contract terms looked… less fire, but I was naïve).
Week 1: Demo Day & Disappearing Act
- Crew shows Monday, rips everything out—fun, cathartic noise, neighbors visibly annoyed.
- Tuesday? Crickets.
- Wednesday? “Truck needs parts, back tomorrow.”
- Tomorrow = “whenever Mercury leaves retrograde,” apparently.
I’m now washing dishes in the bathtub like a college student who forgot to pay rent.
Week 3: Surprise Electrical “Discovery”
Contractor pops back up, says “Your wiring is ancient and a total fire hazard—need to re‑run it, $4,300 extra.” I call an electrician friend; he eyeballs it and mutters, “Looks like 2005 code, not ideal but not $4k tragic.” Contractor insists, I cave because stove > candle‑cooked ramen.
Week 5: Cabinet Fiasco
Custom cabs finally arrive. They’re gorgeous… and an inch too tall for the soffit the contractor forgot to note. Options offered:
- Chop the soffit (butcher the ceiling).
- “Leave a cool gap—it’s modern!”
I pick option 3: internal scream → external margarita.
Dustpocalypse Now
Their “dust containment plan” was literally one sad drop cloth taped like a kindergarten art project. Fine drywall powder is in my sock drawer, on the dog, inside sealed cereal boxes—physics can suck it.
Money Pit Math
Original quote: $19,780
Current running tab: $29,400
Line‑item highlights:
- “Project management fee” (uh, do your job?)
- “Site logistics” ($600 because my driveway slopes?)
- “Inflation materials adjustment” (nice try, Economics 101)
Communication Level: Dial‑up Modem
Calls = voicemail purgatory. Texts = green bubbles, no read receipts. Only time they respond fast is when I comment on their Insta reel (“Love the work! Where’s my kitchen tho?”). Comment mysteriously deleted 10 min later.
Current Status (Week 10)
- Backsplash half‑tiled, one box short (they forgot to over‑order).
- Faucet installed, leaks like a toddler with a juice box.
- Fridge still camping in living room; at this point it’s furniture.
I’m keeping a diary of every delay, photo‑time‑stamping everything, because small‑claims court is starting to look spicy.
The PSA Portion
- Never pay more than 10–15 % up front; tie the rest to milestones.
- Check references you find, not the three hand‑picked ones they give.
- Put a penalty clause in the contract: $/day after the agreed deadline.
- Buy a decent respirator mask; trust me, drywall lungs are real.
TL;DR
Hired a “top‑rated” contractor for a 4‑week kitchen job. Ten weeks later I’m broke, my house is a dust bowl, and dinner is whatever fits in an air fryer. Learn from my stupidity and get everything in writing, with teeth.